Question: I am having a problem creating my own poly dynamic. Do you have any advice on the best way to go about it?

Question: I am having a problem creating my own poly dynamic. Do you have any advice on the best way to go about it?
ANSWER: I think of my life and my lifestyle as a new world. A world of my own making… Which makes me responsible for not only who exists there, but the rules that govern how they live, love, and interact within it.
Without established boundaries and guidelines, its hard to establish whether someone has gone too far or is not living up to the their end of the deal.  It also becomes even harder to determine if someone is detrimental to your world.
I have a few guidelines that I use to not only keep me and my ego in check, but those around me as well.
  • “Be the reflection that you want to see in others. – It is so important for us to realize that we often ask or expect others to be, or do things that we are not capable of being, or doing ourselves. To me its very important that I lead by example. I have to be kind and patient if I want people to be kind and patient with me. If I want someone to be open, transparent, and (or) honest with me then I have to be the same way with them.
It is not okay to wait to reciprocate affection.  You have to actively give, and emote these things without fear and without selfish desire, but because you know that it is what you have to do as a loving member of a dynamic.
Now if the person doesn’t respond, or can’t reflect back all the things that you have given them in return, then it is obvious thatthey cannot exist in your world, and you may want to have a conversation about what you are not seeing returned.  If that option fails, or is no longer available, you may want to divest all together.
  •  The 11th Commandment (John 13:34 ) Love each other as I have loved you. - Once you have established a way of sharing and giving, you have to encourage others to love each other as you love them. If you are loving and patient, then theyshould be loving and patient with each other. If you are open and honest with them, then they should be open and honest with each other.
I know it sounds easy but asking people to respond in kind to each other is very difficult… Especially if they haven’t developed a love / intimate dynamic among themselves.
So, if over a specified amount of time you are not seeing them love each other in kind, then there are some conversations that must be had, and decisions to be made.
  • ‘Ease est percipi ‘or ‘to be is to be perceived’. – One of the hardest things for an individual to do is to find their place in a new family. The advice I always give is “to be with family is to be perceived as family.”
So many people find themselves in a poly dynamic because they fell in love (or like) with one of the members of a poly dynamic and as a result can’t truly find acceptance within the group.  A lot of times it because of how they are being perceived.
If the family only sees you going out with one of the members, then the family is going to see you as that persons friend or someone that is outside of the group. But, if you are hanging out with the group and doing what the group does, then eventually you will gain group acceptance. Because at the end of the day, no individual is greater than the group.
  •  There is no one more important than the group. - This is the hardest one to learn. We would all like to think that we are the center of our universes, but when you are in a poly family the whole is much more important.
Why do I stress this? All to often hard decisions have to be made, and the only criteria that should be used is “What’s in the best interest of all persons involved?”.
But all to often, our personal feelings and emotions can cloud our judgment and perspective. This usually results in the demise of our poly families.
While these are just a few of the checks and balances that I use to guide my family I am sure that you will be able to create some for you that will help you create, define, and bind your family together.
{Orpheus Black is a sex educator specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional / lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him}

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