Ask Orpheus Black: Ask Orpheus Black: Poly Vs Non Monogamy
Q: I am trying to learn about Poly and every time I find a source that says one thing I will find a source that says another. Whats the deal? Is there a such thing as poly or is it just a general term?
A: I feel that so many misunderstandings come about because people from a number of different lifestyle use the term Polyamory to justify their relationship type. And this is because the term Polyamory has become such a socially acceptable term that everyone wants to shove their relationship style under the header Polyamory and that’s were all the confusion comes in.
Now, everyone has their own preconceived idea of what poly is, so people get confused and (or) mislead, all because communities want to use a label that has been construed to be Socially more accepted and apparently Polymorphic.
Truth of the matter is, at least in my opinion, that Polyamory “is” as specific a term as any other lifestyle choice. I say “I am Poly” in the same way others say that they are Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Bi, Queer etc…
In addition Polyamory shouldn’t be used as some generalized term that is supposed to fit any Non Monogamous relationship type. In fact Polyamory and the other relationship styles are as different as night and day. So it bothers me when people use Poly as an umbrella term and not by a more specific definition.
For example… When you hear people say that “Polyamory is the practice of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved” they are being intentionally vague so that the term spans every consensual open relationship style. That being said, this definition is a general explanation for Non Monogamy and notPolyamory because, as I said before Polyamory is a very specific type of relationship which I will explain in a moment.
Until then lets try a little game. I have placed several Non Monogamist terms with several definitions that I found in a dictionary… let’s see if we can match them.
- “A marriage or relationship in which both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with others.”
- A: Polygyny
- B: Polyandry
- C: Open Relationship
- D:Swinging
2. “A marriage type in which a woman has more than one husband.”
- A: Polygyny
- B: Polyandry
- C: Open Relationship
- D:Swinging
3. “A marriage type were a man has more than one wife.”
- A: Polygyny
- B: Polyandry
- C: Open Relationship
- D:Swinging
4. ” Couple that tends to be in love with each other, and only “share” each other sexually with others.
- A: Polygyny
- B: Polyandry
- C: Open Relationship
- D:Swinging
I am quite sure that you were able to figure out that 1) is Open Relationship, 2) Polyandry 3) Polygyny and 4) Swinging. Now, before we get to deep into the answers for this let’s take a look at the possible choices. You may have noticed something significant about the answers A and B. I will give you a moment… Ok for those that didn’t get it… Polyandry and Polygyny are the only options that have poly in the as a root word.
That being said let’s look at the definitions for both. By now you probably have noticed that questions 2 and 3 (with the exception of the gender rolls ) pretty much say the same thing.” A relationship were a woman or a man has multiple spouses.”
Polyamory, in my opinion denotes a relationship that has multiple committed relationships / marriages that are based on mutual love, respect and not just multiple sex partners that orbit around a committed relationship. Polyamory has to do with each person’s individual desire to be a part of family and their commitment to perpetuating singular dynamic. And as you can see, all the other terms that have been listed are about having multiple sexual partners outside of the primary relationships which should be considered Polysexual.
Don’t forget that globally, Polyandry and Polygyny is the dominant relationship style. This “In 1998 the University of Wisconsin surveyed more than a thousand societies. Of these just 186 were monogamous. Some 453 had occasional polygyny and in 588 more it was quite common. Just four featured polyandry”. And yet very rarely does anyone include either of these terms when referring to Polyamory.
But I understand why. For the past 200 or so years polygamy has been associated with Feminine Subjugation, Human Rights Violations, Cultism and Religious Fundamentalism which is why the term Polyamory was needed. To me Polyamory is a word that is intended to encompass Polygyny and Polyandry relationship styles without the negative Religious, Cultural and Societaldogmas associated with Islamic or Western Mormonistic Polygamy.
The word Polyamory is compound word that is comprised of Poly or Multiple and Amor Love. Polyamory in of itself denotes a relationship were more than two consenting adults choose to be in one single loving relationship by choice.
That being said, the question that has always, bothered me is, “ are we scared to use Polygyny or Polyandry as the rout and goal of polyamory because we are scared to be labeled Polygamists or is it because more and more of us are shying away from love based relationships. I would love to hear your opinion.
Orpheus Black
{Orpheus Black is a sex educator specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional / lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him at orpheusandindigo@gmail.com, http://theorpheusblack.weebly.com/, http://askorpheusblack.blogspot.com/
