Q. If I ask one Dominant what they think a sub is they will give me one definition. And if I ask another Dominant, he will give me another definition. And the definitions vary so wildly that I can’t find myself reflected in them. Can you give me a better idea of what a sub is?

    A: One of the things that bothers me is that people stereotype what a submissive is or the term submissive becomes an amalgamation of many different things. 

So when a person says that they don't know if they are submissive or a bottom etc., then I totally understand. Here is how I see it.

Bottom: a person that is willing to share and/or provide their body for sexual and/or sadomasochistic use. Often people that are new to the lifestyle begin as bottoms and sometimes grow deeper into the role by becoming or training as a sub. Note: This doesn't mean that the bottom is inclined to, desirous of, or willing to service the needs of the dominant, vanilla person or sadist. This is usually a one way exchange until the person feels that they have a desire to grow or finds a connection with someone.

Masochist: a masochist is a person that derives pleasure from physical and/or emotional pain on either themselves or others. It is a common misnomer that all masochists are service oriented. In fact it has been my experience that most masochists are not service oriented and that those that do are in service to a specific person, dominant or sadist so that they can get their needs met. This doesn't mean that there are no submissives that have a masochistic streak. It just means that it is not unheard of for a bottom to become a top as a result of growth, experience, emotional connections, monetary, or desires etc. It is even said that the best bottoms make the best tops.

Submissive: a submissive is a person that desires to be of service to and held accountable by their partner. It is important to note that not all sub's bottom but a good portion of them do. The idea that just because a person labels themselves as a sub also means that they are a bottom or a masochist is unrealistic. But that doesn't mean that there are not sub's that contain and exhibit traits of all three. I like to call this the “Holy Grail” --We all believe it exists and only a few have seen it.

Slave: a person that has emotionally bonded themselves to their partner. A slave is someone whose whole desire is to please the person that they perceive as their master. While a slave often shares most of the traits of a submissive this doesn't mean that they have a desire to bottom or derive pleasure from either emotional or psychological pain. The slave, in my opinion strives to be whatever the Dominant needs when he or she needs it. And if that means bottoming, serving or satiating their masters masochistic desires they are often the first to heed the call.

But, this desire can have its draw backs because slaves often give of themselves so freely that it leaves them open to exploitation, degradation, victimization as well as physical and/or emotional mistreatment. But at its essence, the whole goal of a slave is to be the perfect life partner / campaign for their perceived master.

To me it’s a noble goal and anyone would be lucky to have someone that desires or aspires to an ideal as grand as this.

For me it’s important for not only dominants but subs to understand what it means to be a bottom, sub, masochist, slave etc. Making clear cut distinctions will not only help people find the roll which works best for them but it will also help them find their ideal partner by contrast.

O

{Orpheus Black is a sex educator specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional and lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him at orpheusandindigo@gmail.com}