Poly @ Heart. (A blog about finding hope.)

This weekend was amazing on so many levels. Not only did I teach an unbelievable Fire Play class in San Diego, but I also was able to find a part of me that I had thought lost.

Let me explain. Being poly is akin to being gay, straight or bisexual in that it’s not the result of some choice I’ve made; I am poly because this is who I am, this is how I choose to love and this is where I feel safe. My inner self, my intimate being, is centered around being able to express my love and affection within a group of people who not only care for me but who are equally and joyfully bound in love to one another. That is hard to find. 

Can you imagine being gay and having a man’s embrace denied you? Or being a lesbian and not being able to feel a woman's kiss? The longing and unbearable emptiness that unconnected polys feel is very similar to this.

Imagine again, this time trying to feel what it must be like to give your love to a group of people who want to share themselves and their relationship with you. Think about what it’s like to know that they want to be with you as much as you desire to be with them, and to see that want reflected in a hundred tiny actions that fill each day with joy. Try to fathom the security in waking each morning knowing that there a loving poly family nearby who will unselfishly fling open their arms, their homes and their hearts to you without a second thought...  and then try to imagine what it’s like to know that you might never have that again.

You may be surprised, but I have friends who are still asking why I would want to be poly when the lifestyle is so hard. Being poly is hard, but it’s hard for all the right reasons. A poly relationship is not about sex its about context. Being poly is hard because being poly is not just about being in love with one person but being in a situation where you can be loved. But the hardest thing about poly to me is the fact that it is its own form of bondage; I am tied to it because it is the only thing that I know how to be. Those in my poly family are as much a part of me as I am, and losing those that I love is too much like losing a part of me.

Poly is love quantified and when it ends, you feel ostracized or exiled from your life. It’s like being homesick or, worse, longing for a home that no longer exists. And just like any broken-hearted nomad you start looking for other places to live, trying on people, situations and circumstances hoping that they fit... but they never do, because home is where the heart is.

I am not ashamed to say that in the past few years I have been through some dark places and have fallen into some pretty lonely spaces in the search for hearts that Indigo Black and I can call home. And just when I thought all hope was gone and I was just about to give up the fight we found ourselves encircled by people who freely welcomed us into their lives and their hearts. And I drank it in.

But isn't that how it always is? When you’re just about to lose faith and all hope is gone, that's when you receive a little divine intervention. Mine came in the form of a beautiful couple and one wayward heart that has found its way home.

So, in the words of Thomas Fuller, "Contentment consists not in adding more fuel, but in taking away some fire." And that's what I did. I brought back a little fire from San Diego and it has rekindled my faith in myself…and more importantly, it’s given me hope that one day we will find another heart we will call home.

Orpheus Black  

{Orpheus Black is a sex educator specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional and lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him at orpheusandindigo@gmail.com}