Things I Learned about BDSM and Slave Training from Thomas More’s Book Utopia ( Part One of many)
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Recently
I decided to begin a journey of mind and body. So almost six months ago, I
decided to not only get my body fit, but to begin expanding my mind as well. I
made a resolution with myself that I would read one book a month for six 6
months. Honestly, the task was more about setting a goal and sticking to it and
less about the book; but when I began Thomas More’s book Utopia, I
was floored by its relevance to not only the plight of people in our modern-day
society but by its direct correlation to my pursuit of cultivating a holistic
approach to BDSM and slave training.
Thomas
More wrote Utopia in 1516 in Latin, as was the rage back then.
The book served as a social commentary on the state of affairs in England at
the time. What More did was polarize the way England was governed by
contrasting it with the laws, religion, social structure, etc., of an imaginary
place called Utopia. To me, this
book serves as a road map for anyone who wants to govern themselves justly—a
family or a civilization.
The first thing that stood out to me was the idea that punishing people for behaviors that they have developed as a result of education or conditioning since adolescence is wrong. Thomas More writes,“[If a person is] corrupted from their infancy, and then [you] punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.”
Punishing
a sub for behavior that has not only been tolerated but has been reinforced for
years by their parents, previous partners, Dominants and their community, is
not only morally reprehensible but is only going to exacerbate and/or reinforce
the underlying issues. Slave training is all about reprogramming a person in a
way that is not only beneficial to the relationship but is also beneficial to
the wealth, health and well-being of the sub/slave that is being trained.
So
not only does the dominant have to have a firm grasp on his sub/slave’s mental
and emotional landscape, he also has to have the patience to navigate this
mindscape in a way which will not only reaffirm the ideals of the dynamic, but
will also provide a safe and stable foundation for growth.
Because
many of the sub’s mental and emotional issues will manifest themselves as “Bad
Habits” a dominant has to be well versed in managing habituation. Habituation
loosely refers to a specific set of learned behaviors that manifest
themselves usually as a negative reaction to some sort of perceived negative
stimulus. For example, if a sub feels sad, he or she may eat ice cream to feel
better. When a sub gets frustrated, he or she may begin to yell or argue. When
a sub feels emotionally vulnerable, he or she may withdraw. These are
often habits that have been cultivated over years and in some cases have been
detrimental to their health, their relationships and their
self-worth. So, addressing habituations that are not only detrimental
to the relationship but to each individual in the relationship is the main
priority of the dominant and should be the ultimate focus of slave training—
but, the prime motivator used to curb or dissuade the sub from these behaviors
should not be punishments that are corporal in nature if they are to be ethical
and mutually beneficial.
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Slave
training from a holistic perspective should be looked at more as
rehabilitation, not just behaviors which need to be stamped out at all costs.
In fact, a lot of the work that is done in a training scenario has much more to
do with the Dominant and not the sub because most of the subs habituations rely
on a trigger so a dominant has to be aware of his or her own actions that may
feed into the triggering of these habituations. Again if the dominant is the
cause of the manifestation of the bad habit then the dominant is also partially
to blame. I think it’s important to view slave training from the perspective of
chemistry. You can place two volatile chemicals together as long as they don’t
trigger or react to each other in a way that can prove dangerous.
When
slave training, a dominant has to not only have a path for the sub/slave to
follow but the patience to guide them along this path. The Dominant has to know
himself/herself and his/her triggers so that he or she can see when they are
reacting negatively to stimulus as well. In this way the dominant knows when
the sub is triggering his or her habituations. If a dominant allows them self
to be controlled by the triggering of his or her habits then he or she is a
slave to those emotions and is what I like to call “Bottoming Out”.
Bottoming
Out means that the dominant is allowing the sub’s behavior to dictate not only
his actions, but his mental and emotional mind set. We see this most often with
Daddy Doms and baby girls. If the sub wants a spanking she acts out and the
dominant has to spank her. The question is would the dominant have spank her in
that moment without the sub acting out. If not then the sub is passively dictating
the dominant’s actions. While this is a somewhat harmless example there are
many other ways a dominant can Bottom Out. They can Bottom Out of fear, jealousy,
obligation, cowardice, loneliness, self-loathing etc.
A
dominant can Bottom Out of even more negative emotions such as anger, vengeance
or avarice which are definitely not conducive to the training process because
these specific emotions can cause a person to lose all control and that’s when
people get hurt. Remember, any punishment that is administered under these
circumstances, whether it is corporal or otherwise, can be construed as abusive
in the mind of a sub. The definition of abuse as it pertains to D/s M/s and SM Is defined as, “any physical,
psychological or emotional act that is deemed by the person receiving it as being excessive
in nature or malicious in intent is abuse.”
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This
is why they idea of a sub being able to act out in order to receive some kind
of physical correction is also wrong because it conditions and reinforces the
idea that a dominant can physically correct them based solely on their prevailing
emotional state and this is wrong. I think what is important for a sub to remember
is that just as a sub can be conditioned to behave badly, so can a Dominant.
The
process of working with habituation should be an organic process. A Dominant should
start with removing their actions that trigger the sub. If the problem still
persists, then the Dominant should wait until the behavior happens again. Then
the Dominant should acknowledge the behavior and give the person the
opportunity to see it for themselves. If the behavior happens again, you
institute a punishment as a deterrent to the behavior. From that point
on, each time the behavior transpires, the punishment should become more
severe in nature. This should completely weed out the behavior if not
minimalize the bad habits. If it doesn't then you may want to begin a dialogue
about divesting, i.e. releasing the sub from his or her commitment to both the
Dominant and the dynamic.
I
think the heart of the matter is twofold. Let’s start with the idea that if you
remove the stimulus that triggers the bad behavior and the behavior continues
the Dominant has either misdiagnosed the issue or the Dominant is not able to
supply the sub/slave with the proper environment that is conducive to his/her
growth or the proper motivation to make the changes that she or he has to make
in order to be a productive member of the relationship. Either way, dissolving
the dynamic has to be seriously put on the table.
It
is very important that a Dominant is able to not only develop a curriculum to
bring about the desirable changes that he or she wants to see in their sub, but
also be able to supply the sub with the proper motivation and inspiration to
fuel those changes. So, if the sub is not advancing or even moving in the
opposite direction a Dominant may have to contend with the fact that he or she
may not be the right Dominant for that submissive.
Sinn Love and Orpheus Black In Rough Sex 2 |
As
a Dominant, I would much rather have Dominants realize that either their skills
and/or abilities are not effective, or that they as the love interest don’t
hold enough sway in the heart and mind of the submissive to affect any real
change in his or her life. As opposed to the Dominant issuing rules and forcing
compliance that will affect change for the worse.
A
Dominant has to keep in mind that most habituations are defensive in
nature and traditionally have been used by the sub to protect the sub
physically, mentally or emotionally. So, imposing a martial state of affairs in
the relationship will only heighten the sub’s inclinations to protect
themselves and perpetuate a cycle of passive or active resistance toward
authority.
This
is why the current approach to slave training is fundamentally flawed,
because the current method of training will only result in
an under-utilization of the best part of the submissive.
And
from a moral standpoint, “It is wrong”
as Thomas More wrote, “to deprive
someone else of a pleasure so that you
can enjoy one yourself.” However, if the rules that are instituted
are intended to highlight a sub’s natural attributes, as opposed to only
suppressing his/her bad habits, then a sub will naturally flourish under the
guidelines because the new guidelines now revolve around them doing what they
love to do and they will be more inclined to pursue their duties with a passion
simply because they find it pleasurable. In this way we not only institute
rules and guidelines we are incentivizing every facet of their
service.
In
closing, mutual pleasure, self-sacrifice and reciprocity are the three keys to
any long-term relationship, be it one that is based on vanilla ideologies or
Dominant/submissive ones.
Orpheus
Black
{Orpheus Black is a sex educator specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional and lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him at orpheusandindigo@gmail.com}
{Orpheus Black is a sex educator specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional and lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him at orpheusandindigo@gmail.com}