Negotiations, Topping from the Bottom and more

I don't do a lot of negotiations because most of it turns out just like this: One person, usually the person with the power (In the case of heterosexual BDSM and kink the person with the power is very often the woman) , dictating what they don't want to happen, immediately followed by a list of things they do want to happen. The irony in this is that even in our BDSM, alternative, Non Vanilla lifestyle, we are still adhering to Anglo-normative ideas of courtship. This means that the woman has the power (also called the control ) over not only whether the male will have sex, but whether he is going to get any of his kinky needs met. In actuality, the sub is saying that the "Dominant has to get pleasure from pleasing her." You might be asking what's wrong with that and I would say nothing if you are the woman in this scenario, but if you are the male you are pretty much left out in the cold on this one.

To me, this type of negotiation does nothing but belittle the dominant essentially turning him into no more than a tool for her use. Ladies, think about it this way: If you met a man at a bar, went back to your house, he got all his needs met and then was done you would feel a little used or demeaned. This is not to say that all dominants feel this way, in just the same way all women wouldn't feel used in my one night stand scenario.

What I feel is important to point out is the fact that topping from the bottom doesn't always happen during the scene. In fact, much of it takes place during the negotiation. Honestly, I don't think that a lot of subs know that they are doing it. One reason this can happen is that most dominants are to ashamed to say that they want their needs met and they don't like the fact that the sub isn't taking their needs into consideration. The other is a matter of Differential Association:

"Differential Association is a theory developed by Edwin Sutherland proposing that through interaction with others, individuals learn the values, attitudes, techniques... " This means that the sub was taught that this is negotiation through example or literal instruction. Once this learned behavior becomes normal, it becomes a part of the sub's social behavior and also becomes the behavior of those that they influence. (Social Virus)

What needs to happen, in my opinion, is that we as community need to re-institute the traditional method of negotiation which is all about reciprocity and not creating a one sided scenario where only one person benefits. To me, this is a passive type of exploitation and exploitation is not good no matter what gender or sexuality a person is.

Here is how we should structure the negotiation.

1.) Don't start of negative: In almost all of my negotiations the sub always tells me about what she doesn't like or doesn't want to happen. This to me gets everything moving in the wrong direction.

What I would have liked the sub to do is:  start off by telling me what she likes and or enjoys. If she is able, she could not only share with me some examples of toys she likes but even a brief story or to. I think keeping the negotiation conversational is so important.

2.) Ask the person what they like or are into: after you list off your experiences be sure to take your time and ask the other person about there wants or needs. Encourage them to share some examples or quick stories about their experiences and why they like them.

3.) Hard limits and personal preferences are not the same: A hard limit is anything that you cant do Physical, Psychological or morally. examples would be

- You can't kneel because of knee issues ( Physical)
- You can't be confined because you are claustrophobic ( Psychological )
- You can't do a shave scene for religious reasons. (Morally)

What needs to happen, in addition to the above list, is that subs need to talk about soft limits or impermanent boundaries during the negotiation process. A soft limit means that the only reason the sub doesn't want to do the activity is because of personal preference. This is not to say that there aren't a number of reasons as to why the sub doesn't like it.

But these soft limits might be an area where a sub can push their own boundaries or leave room for negotiation because there are varying degrees of like and, who knows, you might just love something that you didn't like before.

4.) Have something that you want to provide: I have said it time and time again but if you have nothing to offer then how can it be a negotiation. Negotiation is a pot luck and if you don't have anything to offer then you really didn't bring anything to the party. Your just taking.

When I say have something to offer this doesn't mean sex. What it does mean is that you should want to give your partner something that they may want or fulfill one of there desires. It may be a foot rub, or a hand message... hell you could even make them a sandwich, but the point is to let them know that you appreciate what ever it is that they did for you.

5: Always recap: At the end of every negotiation you should recap or restate the agreement as you understand it. I have to say that I have had some pretty intense negotiations and over the course of the conversation, I forgot some of the stuff that we talked about. So its very important that you take the time to recap the conversation before you play. We don't want a person crossing a boundary simply because they forgot or were unsure.


If the old fashion way doesn't work for you there is another way that is not technically a negotiation but it acknowledges the D/s or M/s Hierarchy and to some extent empowers both parties. This type of negotiation is called COS or Conditions of Surrender.

What this entails is a sub writing out what she wants and doesn't want and then submitting it to the dominant. Then the dominant will decide if he or she wants to play with her or not.

Just like in traditional negotiation you should always lead with something positive first. Here is how I would structure it.

1.) What you like

2.) What you are open to

3.) What you don't like

4.) What you can't do

There should be room left for the sub to ask what the dominant would desire from her. This is a great way to start negotiations online.

All in all, a negotiation should be a win, win for everyone involved and not just a one sided compromise. Everyone has needs, lets satiate them together.

O