Thoughts on Zen, Holding Space and BDSM

As a Dominant I rely on Zen principles and philosophies in my life and in the lives of the subs who serve me. All of these principles, I believe are within the human scope, but life has taught us to:

• Take without gratitude
• Act in our own self-interest
• Operate only within our own motives 
• Lead with an opposing attitude
• And to never forgive those who transgress against us

What's important for me is to create an environment in which a person cannot only find, but can also embrace her nature... Her (or his) Buddha nature. I want to give subs the opportunity to actualize not only who they are as transcendent beings but also to be able to embrace the human animal that society has helped to repress.

This requires that I not only create space for that person, but also that I maintain that space. The space must be free from judgment, scorn, accusation, animosity and anxiety. Maintaining space (or "holding space") for someone means that I not only reserve an area for that person, but that I also give him or her, time to vent, question, melt down, and process. It means that I support her or him without diving into my own issues - without my issues being triggered by what has been said. 

These are Hindu and Buddhist practices which are also very relevant in our lifestyle. Creating space is the same as creating structure or developing a foundation. Holding space is the act of establishing the pentameters for dialogue which we often call negotiation and or re-negotiation... Maintaining the space is creating protocols, rituals and guidelines that help maintain consistency.

What is more disconcerting to me is the idea that few Dominants, if any, create a philosophy around their dominance which governs their interactions and seeks a moral ground by which a person (sub / slave) can live his or her life. Few people can thrive under rules and mandates for long. It not only becomes oppressive - it becomes repressive. Each Dominant should have a holistic approach in mind, which includes the health, wealth, and well-being of the overall person. If not, a Dominant will get caught up in the cycle of catch and release, in which so many of us already find ourselves.

O

{Orpheus Black is a sex educator, specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional and lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him at orpheusandindigo@gmail.com or you can see more about him at www.orpheusblack.com}