My Perspective on Mentorship? Becoming Christian Grey Part III

A while back, I made a comment saying that many people would rather have validation through association instead of through mentorship. This statement ignited a huge conversation about the validity of mentorship in the BDSM, M/s, and D/s communities. I fully stand by my statement and would like to expound on this idea. I decided to create this post not only to fan the flames of discussion, but also to examine in depth, a simple subject called mentorship.

What is mentorship?

Wikipedia explains mentorship as "A personal developmental relationship in which a more experienced or more knowledgeable person helps to guide a less experienced or less knowledgeable person". I love this explanation because it suggests that the mentor/mentee relationship is not about teaching someone how to do something. Rather, it infers that a mentor is a trusted friend who offers advice or unique insight into a subject or into life's experiences, in which the mentee is already involved.  

A mentor is not a teacher- he's a friend.

The first thing a mentor should do is to establish the idea that he is not a teacher and that the mentee should attend as many relevant classes as possible. Why?

The teacher does not necessarily get emotionally involved with his students. The teacher's job is to provide facts about a specific subject and to present it in an objective, insightful, and accurate manner. In contrast, the mentor offers advice on the same subject, but it is more personal and based on his understanding and experience. In this way, the mentee gets the benefit of the teachers factual and technical knowledge, as well as the mentor's individual and personalized wisdom.

If it takes a village to raise a child, then it takes a community to create a Master.

It's funny how we call ourselves a community when we don't commune with each other very much. Honestly, the BDSM community is more like a group of warring states - all vying for the same limited resources. You would think that we'd know by now that in the end, no one wins.

To me, a Master is a person who leads by example. He not only strives to be better, but also has a desire to help others to better themselves. I think that he also knows that each individual's actions will influence someone's opinion about the whole of our community. So every Master has the desire to leave his mark on the next man, but it's terribly important that we foster the basic tenets of what it means to be a good human being before we talk about being a good Master.

Let's talk about how to be a good friend. Let's talk about civic duty and pride in who we are as a collective. Let's not only talk about values such as loyalty, honesty and integrity, but let's also talk about how we can manifest these qualities in our everyday lives.

Once we know that these ideals are at the forefront of the minds of those who we wish to mentor, we need to give them insights into our world. Then they can acquire the tips and tricks to improve their skill sets. Otherwise, if we continue along this current path, we are just helping to create inadvertent predatory people.

What has mentorship become?

In my opinion, the idea of the mentor and mentorship has become much too convoluted. In fact, the mentor's role has become more than that of just a trusted confidant who has the wisdom and experience to offer insight and perspective on a unique subject or life experience. Being a mentor has become a status symbol in its own right.

In my experience, I have watched people with little knowledge or experience in our lifestyle, mentor people with even less knowledge. Not only do these so-called mentors have the audacity to misrepresent themselves as having a comprehensive knowledge of everything, from safety to edge play, but many of them brag about experiences that I know they don't have. In the end, this only propagates additional dangerous dominants, disseminating more bad information.

I believe that one of the root causes of this issue is the arbitrary manner in which people in our communities have given themselves grand titles such as Master, yet have nothing to back it up. To me, it's like calling oneself "Dr.", without having the full credentials required to be a doctor. Eventually someone will approach that person for medical help or advice, and he should be humble enough to say that he doesn't have the skill, knowledge, and (or) experience that the person needs, thereby proving that the title is not accurate. Or, he could begin to give advice - be it bad or good....

But, why would a person do such a thing? I believe that it comes from a deep-seated desire for being regarded as an authority in that area. Or it comes from a need to establish some credibility amongst peers. Either way, this behavior only ensures that our future dominants are less skilled, which also results in our subs and slaves being more likely to be hurt.

Honestly, I don't think that mentoring is really needed. A person can develop a friendship with another person and ask for their advice. More than likely, they will give their advice. I also don't believe that mentoring can exist without friendship. The emotional investment, trust, and confidentiality required plays a major role in the mentor/mentee dynamic.

Anything gained without investment risks being treated without value.

I believe that each new dominant should apprentice under an experienced dominant. During my learning period, I acted as my mentor's bag carrier, bodyguard, crowd control, etc... I followed him everywhere for about five years - watching, listening and learning. In the process, I was introduced to some amazing people who also offered wisdom, guidance, and friendship. I think that a lot of it had to do with the fact that these people could see all that I was doing in exchange for the opportunity to learn. To me, a person should be able to show that they are willing to learn, through hard work and dedication.

In my opinion, the route of the apprentice is the only way to go. My only stipulation in this scenario would be that an apprenticeship should not be paid. It does however, require reciprocity and hard work and should show humility at the same time. O