5 tips to help your poly family go the distance.
Being in a relationship
is hard enough but adding some additional people only compounds the issues.
However, every year hundreds of thousands of us find ourselves in poly dynamics
without any idea as to what to do next. Well, here is my emergency manual for a
newly formed poly relationship.
1. There is no such thing as too transparent. When you decide to be in a relationship with multiple people you have to ask each other all the hard questions because they are going to come up and it is better that you work them out at the beginning. Questions like:
Now that there are three of us, am I never going to get married?
1. There is no such thing as too transparent. When you decide to be in a relationship with multiple people you have to ask each other all the hard questions because they are going to come up and it is better that you work them out at the beginning. Questions like:
Now that there are three of us, am I never going to get married?
If someone happens to get pregnant are we all going to stay in this dynamic and
raise the child?
How are the financial issues handled?
How are the financial issues handled?
Do you want your own husband/ wife?
Is this just a phase?
What will your friends and family think?
Is what you are doing immoral?
Is this just a sex thing or are we working toward something more?
Why should you ask such tough questions? Because these are the questions that your friends and family are going to ask when they find out. These are the questions that one of you are going to bring up when someone’s biological clock kicks in or when one of you decides that they have to get married. Having a basic understanding of where everyone is at this moment is very important to the overall survival of the dynamic. By confronting the tough issues in the beginning it will help you become a stronger, more informed cohesive unit, and you are going to need these answers as time passes. Remember the more people that find out about your dynamic the more questions they will have. So be prepared.
2. Find people like you. Contrary to popular belief there are communities of poly people all over the world and it is imperative to find a community near you that you can be a part of. The reason for this is that the world has become monogamized.
For example, most people are brainwashed by mainstream media and religious organizations into thinking that there is only one way of loving: the monogamous way. When, in reality, there is and has always been polygamist dynamics throughout history and there is nothing wrong with that. So having a community of people around that can support and reinforce this ideal is very important. Remember the old saying, “it takes a village to raise a child”? Well, sometimes it takes a community to support a relationship. This is super important to me. Leave the crap opinions outside. If someone were to step in crap, you would have them take off their shoes and leave them outside, right? I mean who wants crap in their home? And I feel the same way with people’s crappy opinions, negative out looks, religious views and perspectives.
I know that we all want our friends and families to support our relationships but we can’t expect them to override years of programming overnight. It’s going to take some time. During that time they are going to give you a lot of opinions that are going to be counterproductive to your relationship. You need to stress, not only to them but to yourselves, that any opinions or ideas that are either counterproductive or are meant to disparage anyone in this relationship needs to be left outside of your home. This is one of the ways that we protect ourselves and our family.
3. Show rather than tell. One of the first mistakes newly poly families make is that they want to talk to their friends and family about their new dynamic too soon. In my opinion its better wait a long while before clueing them in. As I said before, most of us live in a monogamist society that would rather accept that you were cheating on a partner rather than you were in love with your partner and another person. That being said it is much easier to be silent about the details of your dynamic while still interacting with those you care about.
What that means is that you should still go to family functions as a group. You should still invite friends over to your home for get togethers. This way you can interact with them as a group and that way people will get to know you as a group. This not only will help expand their frame of reference, it will also include all of you in it. When people see how much you care for a person and that person cares for you, it is much harder to give one sided advice because they are less inclined to want to hurt any person involved.
Also, it will give you an opportunity to see if things are really going to work out. If you wait to talk to people about your dynamic and it doesn't work, no harm, no foul. If you don’t wait then all of their opinions and conjectures have gained validity and you will find yourself in another “I told you so” moment. Who wants that?
4. Don’t get legal advice from your trash man. If you needed legal advice you wouldn't consult your trash man. Well then, why would you seek advice from people that have never been in a poly relationship? Truth of the matter is that if you ask your friends and family what you should do about the issues that you may be having in your poly relationship, you are most likely going to get bad advice for two good reasons:
a. Your friends and family care about you and will always give you advice based on your best interest and not the best interest of the dynamic.
b. They have no frame of reference so there is almost no way they can give you advice that is beneficial to your dynamic.
A lot of poly people tend to have this idea that they are all alone, but the truth is you are not. In fact there are thousands of blogs, groups and websites that you can access that may have the answers that you seek. If you can’t find the answers there you might want to try a library or order some books on the subject. There are many resources available through a multitude of resources.
Why should you ask such tough questions? Because these are the questions that your friends and family are going to ask when they find out. These are the questions that one of you are going to bring up when someone’s biological clock kicks in or when one of you decides that they have to get married. Having a basic understanding of where everyone is at this moment is very important to the overall survival of the dynamic. By confronting the tough issues in the beginning it will help you become a stronger, more informed cohesive unit, and you are going to need these answers as time passes. Remember the more people that find out about your dynamic the more questions they will have. So be prepared.
2. Find people like you. Contrary to popular belief there are communities of poly people all over the world and it is imperative to find a community near you that you can be a part of. The reason for this is that the world has become monogamized.
For example, most people are brainwashed by mainstream media and religious organizations into thinking that there is only one way of loving: the monogamous way. When, in reality, there is and has always been polygamist dynamics throughout history and there is nothing wrong with that. So having a community of people around that can support and reinforce this ideal is very important. Remember the old saying, “it takes a village to raise a child”? Well, sometimes it takes a community to support a relationship. This is super important to me. Leave the crap opinions outside. If someone were to step in crap, you would have them take off their shoes and leave them outside, right? I mean who wants crap in their home? And I feel the same way with people’s crappy opinions, negative out looks, religious views and perspectives.
I know that we all want our friends and families to support our relationships but we can’t expect them to override years of programming overnight. It’s going to take some time. During that time they are going to give you a lot of opinions that are going to be counterproductive to your relationship. You need to stress, not only to them but to yourselves, that any opinions or ideas that are either counterproductive or are meant to disparage anyone in this relationship needs to be left outside of your home. This is one of the ways that we protect ourselves and our family.
3. Show rather than tell. One of the first mistakes newly poly families make is that they want to talk to their friends and family about their new dynamic too soon. In my opinion its better wait a long while before clueing them in. As I said before, most of us live in a monogamist society that would rather accept that you were cheating on a partner rather than you were in love with your partner and another person. That being said it is much easier to be silent about the details of your dynamic while still interacting with those you care about.
What that means is that you should still go to family functions as a group. You should still invite friends over to your home for get togethers. This way you can interact with them as a group and that way people will get to know you as a group. This not only will help expand their frame of reference, it will also include all of you in it. When people see how much you care for a person and that person cares for you, it is much harder to give one sided advice because they are less inclined to want to hurt any person involved.
Also, it will give you an opportunity to see if things are really going to work out. If you wait to talk to people about your dynamic and it doesn't work, no harm, no foul. If you don’t wait then all of their opinions and conjectures have gained validity and you will find yourself in another “I told you so” moment. Who wants that?
4. Don’t get legal advice from your trash man. If you needed legal advice you wouldn't consult your trash man. Well then, why would you seek advice from people that have never been in a poly relationship? Truth of the matter is that if you ask your friends and family what you should do about the issues that you may be having in your poly relationship, you are most likely going to get bad advice for two good reasons:
a. Your friends and family care about you and will always give you advice based on your best interest and not the best interest of the dynamic.
b. They have no frame of reference so there is almost no way they can give you advice that is beneficial to your dynamic.
A lot of poly people tend to have this idea that they are all alone, but the truth is you are not. In fact there are thousands of blogs, groups and websites that you can access that may have the answers that you seek. If you can’t find the answers there you might want to try a library or order some books on the subject. There are many resources available through a multitude of resources.
More than anything else, everyone in your poly dynamic should be proactive about
addressing issues and problems that may arise. Poly relationships are like
pressure cookers sometimes-- you have to blow off a little steam or the whole
thing explodes. So make sure you make time to talk with each other about your
fears and your concerns so that everyone is on the same page. If you can’t find
advice in the slew of poly materials available, ask the people in your
relationship about your questions. Who knows, they may have the same questions!
5. The eleventh commandment. Now, I am not a religious man but I feel that you can take something positive from anything which is why I always cite John 13:34, also called the eleventh commandment, which says, “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you…” In this day and age, everyone is trying to guard their hearts. In fact most people these days would rather sleep with you than fall in love with you. A loving poly dynamic is a very rare and precious thing. It deserves all parties to be fully vested in its’ success so you will have the opportunity to love hard, love long and love each other as often as possible, because you may not get this chance again. So take full advantage and be proactive so you can be tighter in your dynamic and I promise you will never have regrets.
5. The eleventh commandment. Now, I am not a religious man but I feel that you can take something positive from anything which is why I always cite John 13:34, also called the eleventh commandment, which says, “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you…” In this day and age, everyone is trying to guard their hearts. In fact most people these days would rather sleep with you than fall in love with you. A loving poly dynamic is a very rare and precious thing. It deserves all parties to be fully vested in its’ success so you will have the opportunity to love hard, love long and love each other as often as possible, because you may not get this chance again. So take full advantage and be proactive so you can be tighter in your dynamic and I promise you will never have regrets.
Orpheus Black
{Orpheus Black is a sex educator specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional and lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him at orpheusandindigo@gmail.com}
