Safe Word or No Safe Word, that is the question.
If you don't know what a safe word is then you probably shouldn't
be doing anything in an alternative lifestyle. But for those of you that have been living under a rock or in a bomb shelter this is for you. A safe word is a word that people use to signal to their partner(s) that they either need to stop or be checked on during an intimate or sexual act. Now, everyone's safe word is different. It could be pineapple, Mahalo or butter, etc. The point is that all people involved have to know what the safe word is and what it represents so that when or if it’s used both people can act accordingly.
Safe words in the BDSM side of things are often used when two people want to engage in an erotic encounter but are not too familiar with each other. I call this the “feeling out” stage. One of the pluses about safe words is that a sub can use the safe word to notify the dominant in the event that she is in physical, mental or emotional trouble and at that point the dominant would either stop, slow down or check in with the sub. But there are several inherent problems with safe words.
1. No gag orders. I always tell people that when you are going to play with a person for the first time don’t play privately. But if you do, don’t allow your mouth to be covered. The reality is that safe words only work if both people respect and observe them. In the event that the person that you are playing privately with doesn’t heed your safe word then the only thing that you may be able to do is scream for help.
2. There are no safe words in subspace. Subspace is a trance like state that subs can enter during an intense erotic encounter. In this state some subs are not in their proper frame of mind and some are unresponsive. So the idea that a sub would be able to use their safe word in this state is unlikely. This is why it is so important for a sub to play publicly or in the company of friends the first few times that they are going to play with someone that they don’t know very well. But this little bit of advice can extend into anything that can produce an altered state such as drugs, alcohol, breath play. Basically, your safe word is not useful in any activity that can bring you to the point where your judgment may be too impaired to know when to use it!3. “What? I can’t hear you.” In many parts of the country play is done in dance clubs or at parties and some times, depending on the place that you are playing, the music or background noise may be louder than the sub’s safe word. This is especially true if the sub’s breathe is inhibited by bondage or if their collar is too tight. Another reason is that they may be laying on their stomach or the sub may be facing away from the Dom. So, one of the alternatives to a safe word is called a safe gesture. The idea for a safe gesture came to me when I was doing a scene in a Goth / Industrial club and we were playing near one of the speakers. I told the sub who was brand spanking new (pun intended) that I wouldn’t be able to hear her safe word so I asked her to open and close her hand repeatedly and once I saw it I would stop and check on her. And it worked. I have also found that this works in most of the above scenarios as well such as when the sub is in light sub space and she is able to open and close her hands when she needs my attention.
I also think that people forget to discuss what the safe word means. In my experience, most subs generally use a safe word to signify stop but that rarely means that they are done entirely. So, if I give a sub a safe word or a safe gesture I attribute a meaning to it so that we both understand what is going to happen if it’s used. I usually say that if you have a problem or a difficulty, open your hand and close it repeatedly and I will check on you. If you can continue to play we will. If we need to stop we can. This usually makes the sub feel more at ease. And in my opinion, that’s what a safe word is really for. It makes the person that you are playing with feel as if you are taking their feelings and their concerns into account. They feel like they matter and that can be empowering. So if it makes them feel a little safer and a little more comfortable, why not let them have it?
On the other hand one of the down sides of using safe words is that some subs use it as a crutch so that they don't have to push themselves or have grounds for pushing back. While I will admit that this isn't true for the overwhelming majority of subs it can be a reason.
In my experience those subs that abuse their safe word fall into 3 categories:
Gamers: These are subs that just can't give up control. No matter how hard you try and no matter what you do as a Dominant they will not give themselves over. Now some will say you have to earn or cultivate trust in a partner but it is my opinion that if you talk before and you do your research things will be fine. But you have to have faith. I know that's hard to find in this day and age but honestly, if you are going to put your body in the hands of someone that has the power to harm you then shouldn’t you put your faith in them as well? And, if you can’t maybe life is telling you something. Think about it. Your safe word isn't an off switch so if a person is going to disregard your safe word then they are going to do it and there is nothing that most subs can do about it.Newbies: These are people that are new to BDSM, kink D/s /M/s etc. The reason that newbies sometimes abuse their safe word is that they don't have the experience or the education needed to know what's happening. A perfect example of this is, often when I do breath play about 70 percent of the subs push into my hand and often I am just holding my hand around their neck. Yet still some may (not many) use their safe word. But this, as in with many other aspects of play, is due to a lack of knowledge and understanding about the ins and outs of play.
Floaters: These are people that just flow from scene to scene only taking what they want from a scene and they use a safe word to direct a dominant into a service role. A lot of times these subs tend to be more experienced then their Dominants and feel that they are training from the bottom (So, I won’t say that they are consciously taking their Dominant for granted) but I believe that they know that they are creating a tailor made experience. While I don’t have a problem with anything you do in your dynamic I do feel that it kind of flies in the face of a traditional D/s dynamic which is about giving and assuming control. I also think that it undermines the Dominant’s growth, confidence and is overall, a misuse of something that was intended for emergencies only. To me, that’s like crying wolf.
Lastly, I know that some people play with the idea of consensual nonconsent and that’s fine. But when you are getting to know someone you never want to negotiate away the following 3 words which are Stop, (Stop what you are doing) No, (No I don’t not want to continue) and Don’t (Don’t touch me). I know that sounds extreme but I feel it’s something that needs to be said because in this day of safe words, negotiation and overly opinionated web publishers (like me) we tend to overlook the things that really matter. And what matters is a sub’s inalienable right to be heard, understood and heeded.
O
{Orpheus Black is a sex educator specializing in Poly, D/s and M/s Dynamics. He is also a, professional and lifestyle Dominant, and alternative lifestyle speaker in Los Angeles. For more information on classes or speaking engagements please email him at orpheusandindigo@gmail.com}
