Do you Agree or Disagree with this statement and why?... THE DOMINANT does not seek to change His submissive into what he wants - but revels in the chance to show her what she can become. He enjoys showing her those strengths she already possesses, and guides her only helping her to grow into the person she wishes to be. He coaxes her into finding her own path, but never states outright what that path should be. Once found, He will keep her to her task, gently pushing her to become the woman He knows she can be.

Orpheus Black @ the Lair De Sade

I disagree with the statement. "THE DOMINANT does not seek to change his submissive into what he wants - but revels in the chance to show her what she can become." To me, the statement is a lot like those old game shows where they say you won something but you can trade it in for what’s behind the door or inside of the box. Like most dominants, I am a bird in the hand kind of guy so if I were confronted with that situation I would rather keep things as is… meaning not change the sub as opposed to leading them in to this new found Idea of who they can become. I am not a life coach or some guru that wants to help a person discover who they are. I am a dominant that wants to motivate a person to be what I need them to be.

But, I will play along with the Q and A. Let’s say that a dominant does reveal what the sub can be. And it turns out that she is what she is a total ass hole. Now what? Am I supposed to take responsibility and owner ship for this? Hey all I did was reveal who she really was, lol  

See, the truth of the matter is that some Dominants might like that type of sub (Or will settle for that type of sub.) that will be revealed and some may not. Now the question is what are you going to do about it? In my opinion a dominant worth his salt will realizes that there are only a few real options.

1. The Dominant, changes who he is to suit his newly revealed sub. This doesn’t work because the Dominant is denying his nature in most cases.  

2. The sub has to change back. If the sub has to change back to fit into the dynamic she may begin to resent the dominant for try to repress her new found liberation.

3. They have to break up. If the sub is happy with who she is and the Dominant doesn’t like what has been unveiled then they should just part.

When a dominant decides to invest time into a sub it’s usually because he sees her potential to something that will be beneficial to his life, lifestyle or family dynamic and it is up to him to bring out the desirable traits, skills and (or) characteristics that he feels he needs. This is why a dominant has to actively guide his sub.

My personal philosophy, in regards to sub training is simple is “The dominants job is to supply the sub with the proper motivation so that the sub not only does what is right for the dominant but what’s right for themselves.”   

To me, a sub is like a tree and the Dominant like a Bonsai master. The first thing that a master realizes is that all trees (like all submissives) are not exactly alike. They are unique, individual beings with their own set of needs, strengths and weaknesses and it is the job of the master to tend to them all.

 It is important that a master always works within the tree’s nature so that when he restricts growth in one area he can foster growth in others. But the most important thing is that the master knows that there is never an end point. No matter how refined the Bonsai (or sub) looks, he will have to train it as long as it’s in his life. And in this way they grow together. This way they both wind up with something that is mutually desirable as well as a dynamic that is built on growth and reciprocity.

Lastly, I would also like to point out that the dominant in the statement isn’t revealing who the sub can be... he is highlighting what he wants her to see and in essence... is molding her into what he wants her to become. We know this from the words used such as “guiding” and “coaxing” making it one of the most telling sentences in the whole passage… but he never states outright what that path should be. Once found, he will keep her to her task, gently pushing her to become the woman he knows she can be. He also doesn’t state that he will let her know when she has found the path that he wants her on and whether he will keep her on task because this direction will help her become who he needs her to be. I wrote about this in my parable liquid submission were the old dominant tells the younger dominant to give the river (Analogy for a submissive) another path to follow as well as guidance along that path. This is called passive training and it revolves around the idea that the sub feels as though they have the option to choose their direction and that they have a hand in their success but, the reality is “all choice is an illusion”… so, in reference to the above statement “All roads lead to Rome as the old saying goes.” Just as all the dominants motivations are to direct guide and coax the sub down the path of his choosing. There are many different methods and this just one of many.  

I think that this method has its strong suits. It gets there submissive to be actively involved in their own training and gives them a since of self-accomplishment. I think it also helps them build pride in which they are.  But, if the sub ever gets wind of your training method the may feel deceived and manipulated and can begin to doubt the dynamic as a whole. I say this just to point out that every method has its pluses and minuses and none will work universally.

In closing, I think that the statement is an exercise in the author’s mastery of language arts and rhetoric... because so many have read this and didn't even notice that he was illustrating his method of control... brilliant.  

Orpheus Black 

Orpheus Black is BDSM/fetish educator, professional Dom, and alternative lifestyle speaker In Los Angeles.