How do you handle a break up within a poly family and should the person that is being released be completely ostracized from all members of the family?

From  left to right:  Kat, Orpheus Black, Delilah Black, Yhenna

From left to right: Dezi, Kat Delilah Black,Orpheus Black,
Domina Angelina, Sybil Hawthorne, Indigo Black

I think that I have sat here for nearly an hour trying to write a response to this question. And every time I start I well up with emotions and have to walk away. Honestly, I think it’s because I am, in my own way, still struggling with decisions that I have made in my own poly dynamics over the years. Some I stand by and some I regret. And most of those regrets revolve around my decisions to release someone from my dynamic. "My Dynamic!" You know, if I could go back in time the first thing I would tell myself is that, “Its not your dynamic.” While everyone in the dynamic may belong to you, the relationship itself does not belong to you.

In fact, that way of thinking is severely detrimental to the dynamic because it rests all the responsibility on your shoulders alone. The truth is that you have to give every person in the dynamic partial ownership and therefore accountability for the success or failure of the dynamic because a poly family lives and dies as a result of the combined efforts of all involved. The Dominant or Head of Household (as omnipotent as we may seem to be) can’t nor should be expected to shoulder all of the burdens, assume all of the responsibility and be accountable for every affectation of the household. Remember what poet John Donne said,

Top to bottom: Orpheus Black, Emah Black, Indigo Black
Papillon

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.

That’s why it’s called a poly family, which I define as a group of people that are vested in creating one committed loving relationship where everyone has a vested interest in the success of the dynamic. But when one person tries to assume all the responsibilities for the success of the dynamic then they also bear all of the associated guilt, shame and blame when it fails.

Left to right Indigo Black, Sybil Hawthorne, Emah  

To be completely transparent I think I have lived with the guilt and shame for the failure of my dynamics for nearly a decade and the worst part is that every perceived failure has a direct effect on the next dynamic and what I have found out is that you can’t have another successful dynamic until you unyoke yourself from the perceived failures that hold you back and absolve yourself of your actual transgressions.

From Left to right: Neko, Orpheus Black and Emah

From left to : Orpheus Black and Luci Black

The next thing that I would remind myself is “You don't have to make all of the hard decisions alone and that includes breaking up with individual members.” The hard fact about a break up in a poly family is that it affects the whole family, so the whole family should be involved in that break up. Why? When a Head of Household or Plural Dominant breaks up with an individual in the family he or she has effectively ended several other dynamics in the process, that includes the dynamics that may not have been experiencing any issues; dynamics that may have been based on love and trust. So every member of the family should be included in the decision making process. Each member needs to be able to have their individual feelings heard and to know that they were considered and while that may not offer closure or solace, it may reduce some of the latent feelings of animosity and anger that may be directed at the Dominant or HHH. Which brings me to your question. On one hand, a break up or release has to have some kind of finality and exclusion but to what extent? How do you tell people that you love that they can’t see or spend time with the people that they love?
I think that if a poly dynamic has transparency and is inclusive to the point that everyone's individual feelings are considered I honestly feel that a new dynamic can be created around the principles that can work for all people involved.

Orpheus Black and Zahava

Yes, it will require a redistribution of trust and accountability and yes, it will require the redefining of boundaries and expectations but this is a small price to pay for the continued happiness of those you love.

In closing, unless the person that you are releasing is toxic to your family, you should do everything that you can to redefine the dynamic to consider everyone's feelings.