What's the easiest way to introduce my Dom side in my vanilla relationship?
What's the easiest way to introduce my Dom side in my vanilla relationship? People always ask me this question and my answer is all ways the same, It's all about the pitch. What does that mean. Being a good Dominant is allot like being a good salesman because we have to listen 80% of the time and talk 20%. We use transparency to build trust in others. And we are strong leaders that work well with others and are skilled at supplying people with the proper motivation to not only do what we need them to do but what they need to do for themselves.
That being said, there are 4 important facets to being a good sales person and a skilled Dominant and those are; Establish a goal, know your product, know your potential client, Have a plan to execute.
Step one. What do you want to gain from introducing your vanilla relationship to your Dominant side? I find that most 'introductory conversations' about alternative lifestyles go badly because the person that wants to venture into the new dynamic just brings up the conversation arbitrarily. Having a goal in mind will not only provide your conversation with direction and momentum, it will also keep you on task. it shows for thought and preparation which is a foundation stone of a good Dominant.
So, if you want to show her you Dominant side start with stating what you want from her, the relationship and or who you wish to be to her. I think people respect a person that is transparent in there desires and are more inclined to give you what you want if what you are asking for is not convoluted.
Step two. Know what you are talking about. This conversation is going to be riddled with questions and it is up to you to answer them. I hear people recommend that the couples do joint research on subjects like D/s and Poly but sometimes this leads to more hassle than its worth. I think that the Dominant should take the time and initiative to research the lifestyle for themselves so that they can begin drawing from these resources in order to create the type of dynamic that he or she is looking for. Believe me when I say that D/s relationships are as unique and diverse as the people in them and the only aspects that you have to be an expert in is, whats relevant to you and your partner.
Step three. Who is your partner and how is this going to benefit for them. I feel that it is more than important for you to be able to not only tailor the D/s dynamic to your unique set of needs but your partners needs as well. Believe me if you don't come with a strong, mutually beneficial proposal its not going to happen.
Step four. Have a manageable plan that outlines what you want to do in this new dynamic as well as what you expect of your partner and what your partner should expect from you. Expectation is everything in a D/s dynamic so don't skimp on this part. The expectation portion is were you say who is responsible for this and who is accountable to whom. This is important for when you start to talk about discipline later on in the relationship.
Your second question was, How am I to dominate her without reminding her of abusive, controlling ex lovers? I think that issue is rather simple... by giving her some control in the dynamic.
Much of the trauma surrounding physical abuse is around the inability to control whats happening to you or around you. By giving a person some control you can begin the process of acclimating them to D/s (Not SM, that's a whole different conversation ) in a way that is more emotionally manageable then total immersion. { I think that it is important for you to note that there is no full proof way of doing this... and everything has its own inherent risks so be careful. }
1. Start off with a time limit. When you are pitching your partner you may want to give them a 30 day money back guarantee. Which mean if you are not totally emotionally and sexually satisfied after 30 days we will openly and honestly discuss the problems they or you are having and rectify the issues or things will go back to the way they were. This takes allot of the pressure off and can easy the emotional fight or flight response that some subs get in the early stages of the new relationship.
2. Safe words are not just for S/M. When we have a partner that has suffered from emotional trauma you have to provide them with every opportunity to talk with you so, it is very important that you give your partner an emotional safe word. When indigo ( My partner ) and I first got together she was a bit of a handful and so was I. We were both capable of getting very upset and arguments often got out of control rely fast. So, to alleviate this issue, we came up with a phrase that when said meant that we could talk to each other outside of our D/s dynamic as friends. This was a total game changer. Our Dynamic instantly contained much more beneficial dialogue and that's what any good D/s dynamic needs.
3. You want to make sure that what ever activity that you start off with is fun, manageable and consistent. Its been experience that Dominants, (Me included ) set the bar so high that even we aren't able to remain consistent and when we can't hold up our end it is very demotivating for our subs. So when you start, make sure that you keep the reasonable expectations for both you and your partner.
4. Have your partner be involved in forms of play that doesn't revolve around pain, such as bondage, forced orgasm, protocols, journalling etc... this take there mind off the idea of physical abuse.
5. After your 30 days and things have progressed smoothly try and include your partner in what ares the dynamic will grow into. I have always found that a few trips to the adult store can spark some kinky conversation.
Lastly, the most important thing you can do is listen to what she has to say and don't rush into any play that has any close ties to the traumas or abusive situations that she has found herself in before.
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